Kids In Pain - Perspective For Parents

Yesterday our student ministry led our students, adult leaders and parents in a discussion on the pain students experience.  

We have discovered that self mutilation (cutting) is common amongst our middle school and high school students who are hurting.

Trey Grant, our middle school pastor did a outstanding job seeing the need and bringing faith centered awareness and equipping to our people.

One of our parents was particularly touched by her own struggle with parenting and posted an outstanding blog this morning.

If you're a parent I encourage you to read it.

If you're a youth worker I encourage you to pass it on to your parents.

Parenting by Fear or by Faith

May we be people (parents, youthworkers, grandparents, leaders) who see the next generation as Jesus does, with great compassion.

Youth Group - Is it a safe place?

When Michaela started to tell her story she was a few drinks into her evening. By the way she looked I would have guessed she was 65ish but she was only 53. Her voice was raspy and loud from years of smoking cigarettes and most likely other things.

I’m not sure why she started speaking with me. Early in our conversation she asked me what I did. Usually I don’t enjoy telling people I’m a pastor but for some reason I let the cat out of the bag immediately. After I shared my confession she stared at me for about 15 seconds wondering how she should respond. I actually thought my budding friendship was only going to last a minute.

She finally gained her composure and told me she was a Catholic Jew who was baptized Southern Baptist. I was pretty impressed with her religious diversity.

If she said it once she said it 50 times in our short encounter. “Remember, your not a man of God, you’re a man with God and a man for God”. To be honest I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about…until I heard her story.

She began to tell me a story that would haunt me the rest of the night. When Michaela was 7 she and her parents where in a car accident. Very little happened to her physically but both her parents where killed. From there her life was spent from foster family to foster family and yes, her experience was horrific.

She told me about the abuse and how every one of her “parents” were fostering so they could collect the $350 a month that was provided. The abuse ranged from locking her in a room without food to sexual abuse. She had lived an incredibly sad childhood.

It was at this point in the story that her “man of God versus man for God” statement began to become clear. You see, Michaela was in church pretty consistently. She had some great experiences in church but also some negative.

Many times she told someone in church leadership about what was going on behind the closed doors of her home. Either they didn’t believe here or didn’t know what to do. They did nothing. People where given the opportunity to speak for one who had no voice and they squandered the opportunity to rescue. I’m not sure why.

Sure, today it’s a little bit different. Church leaders and youth pastors are better equipped and more qualified to deal with these kind of issues when they come up, right? I sure hope so.

Michaela has some serious trust issues with those of us who are in ministry. She didn’t know me at all but in no way believed I was a “man of God”, she’s more right than she knows. After reflecting for a while I think her point is that even though pastors should communicate who God is and the beauty of his gospel, we’re still very flawed.

After talking for 20 minutes or so she gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. She reminded me once again I’m a man WITH God not OF God and told me to keep doing what I’m doing. (she has no idea what I do).

It made we wonder, for those of us who care about kids how are we doing in being an advocate for them? Have there been times in my ministry that kids have cried out for help but I’ve been too busy or distracted to listen?

We must create environments where students feel the freedom and safety to share about the junk going on. Whether it’s abuse or failure, what are we doing to make sure students can talk about the tough stuff of life without judgment or skepticism?

My we be people who by God's grace rescue those who have no voice. Would Michaela's life be different if someone had listened?

Does God Drink Mountain Dew?

Sometimes you have one of those conversations. Just the other night I was hanging out with a student who is absolutely brilliant. She was struggling with the idea that God is always present. In fact she was even using big words like omnipresent. Pretty impressive huh?

For most of us God's constant presence is a comforting thought. Who wouldn't want a loving, caring compassionate God to always be near? But for my friend the reality of God's constant presence is very confusing.

You see, she's a victim of abuse and can't quite understand how a God who is loving could have been present in the middle of her abuse. She understands God's presence intellectually and theologically but struggles tremendously with her feelings. (doesn't that makes sense?)

She asked a great question, "if God is always present was he even there during my abuse?"

My response? "Where do you think God was?"

In an appropriately angry voice she replied,

"I don't know, maybe sitting in a lounge chair drinking a mountain dew or something?"

It's a raw and honest response.

The whole conversation made we wonder. There are many students in our ministries who are hurting and confused. I want to be careful that I don't over simplify and give antiseptic / simple answers to deep difficult questions.

Yes, Jesus does bring restoration. Yes, he is always present. But struggling through the problem of evil is very complex, especially for those who have experience evil first hand.

As a reminder to us all, let's not over simplify complex issues, especially this issue of evil. Statements like, "life hurts God heals" and "Jesus brings healing" and "all things work together for good" are true but typically come in a long process for people who have been hurt deeply. In fact, those promises only become fully true when we go to heaven.

Jesus has a tremendous amount of compassion for us and our students who have been abused and forgotten. There are no quick fixes, let's not give the impression there are.

For the record, I don't think God enjoys Mountain Dew. I'm just saying.

Precious is in Your Youth Group

I watched the movie "Precious" the other night. As you probably know the movie is about a teen girl growing up in New York city. Her entire life has been characterized by physical, verbal and emotional abuse.

Now before you rush out and watch the movie please be aware that there are disturbing scenes of physical and sexual abuse. There's nothing erotic about the scenes but to be honest it was difficult for me to watch.

As in every movie there were points in the movie I shed a tear or two but "Precious" has impacted me in a more profound way than other movies. For 3 days I haven't been able to get "Precious" off my mind.

I've been wondering, are there students I come in contact with that are in similar situations? Sure it may not be as extreme, but isn't there a good chance that if you are like me and work with students, every week we are making eye contact with students who have been neglected and abused?

1 in 3 girls and 1 and 7 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. This means it's very likely that students we are brushing up against every day have experienced abuse. That statistic doesn't even cover other physical and emotional abuse.

So here's what I've been asking myself. How do I see students? Do I simply look at the exterior? What are they wearing? How are they behaving? Or do I take the time to look beneath the surface?

When we come across a student that is difficult to handle and perhaps not that much fun to be around there's a chance there just acting in a way that makes sense. When we encounter a student who seems to have extreme anger issues maybe they're angry because they should be.

You never know, we may be the only source of hope a student has. As youth workers, we could be the first person who has ever really shown a student compassion. That's a really big deal.

So, tonight or this weekend when you're around students, and THAT kid is there, take some time to look beneath the surface. Let's remember that Jesus is in the business of making all things new and even in the toughest situations he can bring restoration. Jesus loved the unlovely, let's keep doing that but even more.