Tapping the Brakes on the "Family Based Ministry" Movement

I believe in family.

There's no doubt churches including children's ministries and student ministries should invest in equipping and shepherding parents. In fact, at my home church, Irving Bible, we just started "Parenting at IBC" with the hope we can serve and equip parents of all aged kids. It's important to me.

The question I would like to ask is this, should the nuclear family be the primary focus of our next generations ministries? If so why?

Yesterday I sat in a family based ministry one day gathering. It was assumed that ministry should be family focused and family centered. It was assumed that all our time, energy and focus should be family based.  So many questions came to my mind.

Today I did some web surfing to see if I could discover how some are defining and describing family based ministry. Here are some statements I read.

"We know from reading the scriptures that families are important to God because our Creator built the first family before he constructed his own church".

Of course families are important to God but really?  Does that mean God values plants and animals before people because he made them first in creation?  Did Jesus actually prioritize the family by saying, "I will build my nuclear family, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it"?

"Although there may be a few youth outings each year where most parents are not present, most youth outings will be the family outings where all of the family is invited"

Maybe that should be flipped.  It's cool and valuable to have parents engaged in outings with their kids, but what about the kids who have parents who aren't ready to step foot in the church?  Awkward.

"Family Based Youth Ministry is grounded upon the Biblical conviction that parents are the primary disciplers of their children"

Why is this assumed? Is this true for every church ministry in America?  There's really a "Biblical conviction" about this?

Sure, family based ministry is effective and needed in some churches but with several books about family based ministry, various conferences and curriculums it simply seems many view this ministry strategy as right for all people and all places.

Why does the ministry pendulum have to be so extreme?  Why is it that children and youth ministries are totally separate from the rest of the church OR we must say that our primary focus is the nuclear family?  Is there a healthy balance in the middle?  

As I'm pulling embryonic thoughts together I would like to share some reasons I think we must tap the brakes on this "family based model" thinking. Instead of assuming family based ministry is right for all situations, here are some thoughts to consider.

1) The Bible doesn't teach that parents are the primary disciplers of their kids.

Of course Godly parents have the greatest opportunity to disciple their children, but do we really have to say the church is secondary?  Perhaps we should think of it as opportunity instead of priority.

There are a couple of passages that seem to be the "go to" in this area.

I've heard it over and over again, Deuteronomy 6 is the Biblical foundation of family based ministry. Here's the problem, Deuteronomy 6 was not written just to the parents, it's written to the covenant people of God. Of course parents were a part of that, but not the only part.  Not to mention that family in that context was very different from what we experience today.

When we read Deuteronomy 6 through our 21st century western eyes and see, "teach it to their children" somehow we forget the first part of the passage. It says "Hear O Israel" not "Hear O Mom and Dad".

And of course there is Ephesians 6:4 which specifically mentions the role of the Father to bring up his children in the training and instruction of the Lord.  It's an important verse for parents to think through and heed, but it in no way says gives the parents the primary voice.

In the early years of a kid's life parents have the strongest voice but to use these verses as proof texts to focus all of next generations ministry on parents is questionable Biblically.

In reality scripture does not give a greater responsibility to the family than the church. As families are a part of the church one could argue the church is the primary discipler of people. The church is called to disciple all that are a part of the church family not just parents.

Do parents need to understand their crucial role in spiritual formation?  Yes, but as a part of the greater covenant family.

In the scripture there's no primary or secondary discipleship, there's just discipleship.  

2) Family based does not fit all ministry contexts.

Family for most of us in upper / middle class white churches experience family as a mom, dad and 2 1/2 kids (I've always felt sorry for the 1/2 kid). That's not what many next gen ministries look like, especially student ministries.

Youth group should be a place where students should be accepted where they are. Hopefully unchurched students from unchurched families are showing up to experience authentic loving community. Hopefully that community includes students and loving ADULTS who love Jesus.

Maybe we have a chance to get to know the parents of unchurched students maybe we don't, but if our ministry is primarily family based and parent focused where do unchurched kids fit in? What about churches where a majority of the students come from unchurched homes?

In the New Testament, "family" rarely refers to the nuclear family, it almost always refers to the spiritual family or the church.  In fact it seems that when Jesus mentions moms and brothers and sisters he seems to say the spiritual connection may be stronger than the physical one.

There are a lot of ministry contexts where it's not practical to spend all our time and energy reaching out to parents.  Yes, make the effort, but if God has placed a group of kids in front of us let's be obedient to his call to disciple the ones right in front of us.

3) Family based ministry seems to neglect evangelism

Maybe I have this wrong, but this ministry strategy seems to emphasize a "circle the wagons" type strategy.  We'll minister to the parents and trust them to disciple their kids.  It feels like an "inside the walls" focus.

Where does the missional component fit into this strategy?  Children and student ministries should always have the component of reaching out to those children and youth who are unchurched and inviting them into the covenant family.

4) Intergenerational ministry NOT family based ministry seems to fit the Biblical model and most cultural contexts

The family of God is a beautiful mixture of ages, maturities and stories. It seems that God's design is for a diverse people to live life together and encourage one another while being on mission.  I love the idea of all kinds of adults speaking into the lives of youth and children, not primarily their parents.

As a father, sometimes I'm the one most equipped to speak truth into the lives of my kids.  As my kids became older other adults were better positioned to share truth.  They quickly became the primary disciplers of my children.

To this day I appreciate the natural partnership the church has had with my family.  Sometimes the best thing I can do is get out of the way and allow the body of Christ to play a major role in discipling my kids.  My relationship with the church has provided a way for my children to hear truth in stereo;  me speaking truth in one ear and other caring adults speaking truth in the other.

In closing let me say that as a father of 4 I've never felt I should totally leave it to the church to disciple my kids, I need to do that. But as a youth pastor I've never felt I should leave it to the parents to disciple kids, as the church, I'm called to do that.

You see, it's a partnership.  It's not about separating kids from adults OR doing everything with and for parents.  Do I long for parents to be equipped and do a better job? Yes.  Am I going to leave it to parents and neglect my role as a pastor in discipling kids, no way.

Thankful Thoughts From the Farm

It's really nice to be at my old house this Thanksgiving.

Growing up on a farm in Southeast Tennessee is quite an experience. As my family took a walk on the farm today I was flooded with all kinds of memories.

Visions of mowing the fields on a tractor, learning how to fish, riding my horse, climbing my favorite persimmon tree, picking blackberries, riding my motorcycle and playing tackle football in a field covered in cow patties where all very vivid.

(And yes, she thinks my tractor's sexy)

As I walked around the pond I remembered fishing for catfish with my best friend Todd. We would go to the pond around 11pm armed with rotting chicken livers and swisher sweet cigars. The piercing stench of the livers was overwhelming but the catfish couldn't resist, or the turtles. Poor Todd would always catch an snapping turtle but rarely a fish. Of course I never bragged.

My Granny taught me how to dig for earth worms and make sure I spit on them before throwing the bait into the pond. It really works! Grandpa would always promise to help me ride the horse but always had to "rest his eyes" for an hour or so before. His favorite phrase was "right now in a minute". "Right now" almost never arrived.

Today, the open fields are overgrown with trees and the pond is kind of stagnant and empty. The house my grandparents lived in is being rented to someone I don't even know, kind of weird. Both Granny and Grandpa have been gone for years now.

My best friend Todd died in the winter of 95 in a kayaking accident. I still miss him.

All this sounds kind of sad but I'm really thankful for the way I grew up. Sure, there has been heart ache in the past. In fact I have friends around the country right now who are going through deep waters, I'm in the game with them.

Spending a lot of time with grandparents is a huge part of who I am today, in fact all my experiences on the farm are a part of who I am.

All these memories cause me to savor what is happening in my life today. When we're young we rarely think about slowing down enough to breath in what is happening in the now.

It's hard to believe how much things can change in just 25 years. It's good to take time to remember and be thankful. A long time ago God was shaping me to be and do all he intends for his Name and glory. He's still working on me.

It all makes me wonder, What will thanksgiving be like 25 years from now? But instead of living in the past or wondering about the future, I want to take in all God has for me today.

I am graciously blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Short Sunsets

Before the sun came up yesterday we left 13040 Carriage Park Lane for the last time. So much has happened since we moved to Atlanta in 2001. Andrew (my oldest son) was 12, now he's almost 20, Julie and I both turned 40, we taught 3 boys how to drive (I have no idea how many wrecks we've had) and developed hundreds of friendships, a few of those friendships we'll have the rest of our lives. We loved our time there.

When I was walking through our home I was remembering all the laughter, playing, fighting, wrestling, hugging, farting, burping, crying and many other things that took place. It was where we as a family grew up. Lauren was 6, now she's 13. She went from a little girl to a soon to be woman. Zach, Austin and Andrew have become men...we'll almost. Just like a really cool sunset you want to last longer than it does, a phase of our life is over.

Last night 4 of us had dinner together in Flower Mound, Texas. My oldest boys are not living with us anymore, they are continuing their lives in Georgia. It's kind of like I'm beginning a new phase of fathering to my kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for God's grace through the last 2o years of being a father, but as I've reflected, there are a few things I really want to do different or better the last few years I have with Lauren and Zach. Here's a sampling...

Encourage more and criticize less.

I'm not sure my kids comprehend how proud I am of them. Sometimes I have a tendency to see the glass half empty. Someone told me it takes 15 encouraging comments to balance out 1 critical comment. I have a lot of words to use to balance things out.

Love Julie better.

One of the best ways to love my kids is to love my wife. They need to see me laying down my life for Julie. I need to learn how to serve her so much better. I'm passionately in love with Julie, I want to show her better.

Pray

I have a friend named Barbara who has 3 kids. She's does't really know it but she's a great mom. She said one time that the most important time she spends for her kids is in prayer. I want to be much more consistent in going to God on their behalf. I can't change their hearts but God can and will.

Play

Zach loves to go fishing, so do I. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get on the lake with Zach. Lauren loves to shop, I don't, but I'm just as committed to learning.

I'm kind of sad the last few years went so fast. Some times we want time to stand still, but it never does. Even though I'm sad I'm excited about the next few years. We have no right or ability to hold on to our life, it keeps moving, growing and changing. Our life belongs to God and he wants us to use the short time we have offering it to him and others, especially those closest to us.

Benjamin Button

I woke up this morning thinking about Benjamin Button, both the movie and the person. As far as the movie is concerned I really enjoyed it. It was thoughtful and well done. Brad Pitt's character (Benjamin) was a little difficult for me to swallow. It brought back memories of how Pitt played the angel of death in "Meet Joe Black". Very little emotion. Nevertheless the story was captivating. In some way we all want to turn back time and do things differently or take greater advantage of what has been given.

I'm 41 years old. Although 40 is the new 20, it feels like my life is half over. Are there things I would go back and change? Absolutely. Would I spend my time and money differently? Yes. Can I turn back time? Obviously not.

The movie forces you to think about these kinds of issues. The apostle Paul in the New Testament speaks of time. He says something kind of strange. "Be careful how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity". Making the most of every opportunity literally means to rescue from loss. The implication is that we are all losing time, it's slipping away, but we are challenged to wisely grab it and make the most of it.

When thinking about making the most of every opportunity my mind has to run to how I interacted with God and people. This especially relates to thinking through 08. This year was I faithful to pursue and love God and others to the max? Did I maximize my time, energy and money or did I squander it? Sure, I can't change what happened but there is value in looking back and asking God to teach me.

There is one area in particular that needs greater focus, time with my kids. Don't misunderstand, I get good time with my family, I simply want my time with them to be extraordinary. At the end of the day I long that my children know they are loved by their dad, both earthly and heavenly. It's pretty simple how they know I'm crazy about them...time. It needs to be a great priority for me to chase their hearts this year. At Benjamin and Daisy's daughter's first birthday party the guy in the kitchen said it well, "you turn around and their in high school", or in my case college. So painfully true.

So, may 2009 be a year where each of us pursues God and others (especially those closest to us) in a fresh way. May God give us the grace to make the most of every opportunity and use the gifts he has given to the max.