Ok, I hope this will be my last post on teen dating for a while. The way high school students approach romance is a huge deal. It effects all their relationships, relationships with friends, relationships with family and yes relationship with God.
You can look here to see an outline of the entire series.
Teen Age Dream - A Look at Teen Romantic Relationships
We did our final talk last night on romantic relationships and and I finally gave them some practical advice. We were careful not to say "thus saith the Lord" because I don't want some sort of extra Biblical legalism. In fact, these final points simply flow from wisdom from the Word and experience.
I'm finding from my life group leaders that my main points frustrated some of them and made others angry.
Of course there was much more said, but here's the gist of the outline.
7 Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem,
by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:
Don't excite love, don't stir it up,
until the time is ripe — and you're ready
1. Yes, but not yet…
Be patient
2. Say no to exclusive relationships
It seems high school relationships are just like marriages without the ring, vowes and sex, well, sometimes without the sex. When you think about it, when we are “going with” someone or “facebook” official it’s just like a marriage. You can cheat on the other person, you can break up with that person….
3. Remember there is strength in numbers
a. It’s much safer from a physical temptation perspective
b. It allows Christian community to speak into the relationship
c. It slows down emotional intimacy
d. It prevents that weird go crawl into a hole dating thingy
4. Remember your heart belongs to Jesus.
He is the only person who can ever truly “complete” you.
Zeph 3:17
17 The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
I shouldn't be surprised students are frustrated but it does make me a little sad. It exposes how important it is for us to gently lead students through the journey.
May we show them and lead them to the passionate love of Jesus. Then and only then will they find satisfaction in him and nowhere else.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Dating - Raising the Bar
Last night and this morning I'm hanging out with my friend Nick in Colorado Springs. He's a great youth pastor with a sharp mind. (well, kind of) We've been talking about teens and dating and thinking about what it would look like to raise the bar for students.
Earlier this morning Nick said something very profound. He said for years the church and Christian parents have basically said anything goes as long as you make it to your wedding bed a virgin. As a matter of fact many times parents love the whole dating game and encourage their kids to play and play often.
Here's the problem. When emotional intimacy is achieved physical intimacy isn't far behind. It's kind of like throwing kids in the pool and telling them not to get wet. It also seems that God's heart and desire for students goes deeper than sex.
What if the goal was deeper and more profound than virginity? What if the question was something like this?
What does it look like for students to relate to the opposite sex in a way that is healthy for them and glorifying to God?
Answering this question goes deeper than "how far is too far".
When I asked my high school students how often high school kids think or talk about the opposite sex they said at least 90% of the time. Now, I know that isn't a scientific pole, but this is a huge deal for our students. For those of us who work with students we must help them think through how the gospel applies to their dating relationships.
We shouldn't be satisfied with kids limping over the finish line of marriage virgins. Healthy, God honoring relationships go much deeper than saving your body for marriage. It's also an issue of saving your heart for marriage.
Earlier this morning Nick said something very profound. He said for years the church and Christian parents have basically said anything goes as long as you make it to your wedding bed a virgin. As a matter of fact many times parents love the whole dating game and encourage their kids to play and play often.
Here's the problem. When emotional intimacy is achieved physical intimacy isn't far behind. It's kind of like throwing kids in the pool and telling them not to get wet. It also seems that God's heart and desire for students goes deeper than sex.
What if the goal was deeper and more profound than virginity? What if the question was something like this?
What does it look like for students to relate to the opposite sex in a way that is healthy for them and glorifying to God?
Answering this question goes deeper than "how far is too far".
When I asked my high school students how often high school kids think or talk about the opposite sex they said at least 90% of the time. Now, I know that isn't a scientific pole, but this is a huge deal for our students. For those of us who work with students we must help them think through how the gospel applies to their dating relationships.
We shouldn't be satisfied with kids limping over the finish line of marriage virgins. Healthy, God honoring relationships go much deeper than saving your body for marriage. It's also an issue of saving your heart for marriage.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
God of Romance???
Question of the day...
Did God create romance and if so, so what?
How is God's perfect intention different from how most teens view romance?
Did God create romance and if so, so what?
How is God's perfect intention different from how most teens view romance?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Teen Age Dream - A look a teen romantic relationships
Isn't it cute when teens get together and start dating? They become facebook official and all the cute pics start coming in. Or could it be that below the surface the dating game is more dangerous than we think.
Most romantic relationships are driven by selfishness and insecurity. Sure, every once in a while you'll run across the exception, but for the most part teen age dating relationships lead to idolatry, physical compromise, isolation, broken friendship and intense pain at the breakup.
Starting February 13 our middle school and high school ministries are beginning a 4 week series called "Teen Age Dream". I know it's corny, in fact our goal is to have as many corny elements as possible. Every week we'll show a short clip from "Saved By the Bell" to enhance the level of corn.
As far as content, here is a brief look at the topics for the four weeks.
God of Romance
Romance was not created by Arthur Fonzarelli. It was God's idea and heart that we would connect with the opposite sex in an romantic way. If he made us that way we should perhaps pay attention to his perspective.
God of Purity
Purity is more than resisting intercourse before marriage. It's an issue of the heart and mind.
Does the Bible say anything about dating relationships?
The Bible speaks of marriage and courtship but says nothing about our system of dating. In fact the way teens deal with romantic relationship would be very foreign in the first century or earlier. However, the Bible has much to say about how we treat each other. Romantic relationships shouldn't have in invisible bubble that make them immune to the one another principles taught in scripture.
Is there a better way than the current system?
I hope students will be open to thinking through ways to interact with the opposite sex that are different than the current model. If you work with students you have experienced the struggle and sometimes devastation that can happen to students when they buy in to the romance crazy culture in which they live. Surely there is a way that is healthier for students and more honoring to God.
So what do you think? What are we leaving out? Perhaps I'm I over reacting?
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Dating Game
Because yesterday was valentines day we spent the evening with high school students discussing love, sex and dating. I'm not going lie, I really dislike the way the American high school student dates. I've never read "I kissed dating good bye" nor do I have a desire too, but I believe strongly that students need to consider a different way to play the "dating game", and we need to help them.
There has to be a better way for students to get to know the opposite sex than the current system. The way it happens now almost seems like marriage without the sex, well sometimes without the sex. A guy and a girl get to know each other, romance wins out over reality and then they start "going together".
From what I remember and understand "going together" means you're in a exclusive relationship and if you pursue or talk to another person jealousy grows and you could be "cheating" in the relationship. For a student who wants to follow Jesus this can be a struggle.
Here's a couple of reasons the current system is concerning for students, especially students who are pursuing Jesus.
The sacrifice of other friendships.
Many times other friendships are sacrificed because there's so much time and energy put into the boyfriend / girlfriend. I know a guy who dated a girl for 3 years during high school. He still struggles having deep friendships into college. Could it be that he never learned what it means to have a friend and be a friend? It can easily disrupt the community God intended with so much focus on one other person.
It can also result in "dating worship" which means the boyfriend / girlfriend becomes God and is expected to meet the emotional and many times physical needs of the other. Not only is this unhealthy relationally but God isn't thrilled about it either. At some point they will do whatever it takes to please the other and find acceptance from them. You know where that ends us.
There are many more to add here but you get the point. Here are a couple of principles that challenge the way most teens are doing dating. If students were to consider these seriously it may cause them to take a deep look at how they play the game.
Number 1
1 Tim 5:1-2
Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.
Pretty simple. If you wouldn't do it with your brother or sister you probably shouldn't do it with your boyfriend / girlfriend. A student asked last night, "how can I kiss my boyfriend if I think of him as my brother"? Great question isn't it?
Of course there is a time in relationships when the person becomes more than a brother or sister, but that person can still be treated with absolute purity if the relationship shifts to engagement and then marriage. Radical thinking I know, but it's something we and high school students should consider.
Here's the 2nd principle.
Phil 2:3-4
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
In my experience most dating relationships are driven by self centeredness. It's all about how it makes me feel and what I can get out of it. The dating game doesn't have immunity. The Bible's teachings on how we treat each other also apply to our boyfriends and girlfriends. In the context and craziness of young romance it's difficult to put the others first in a healthy Godly fashion.
Now, I know there are many dating relationships out there that are healthier than others, but can't we find a new system? Is there a way we can help students relate to one another that is better? This is a big deal because deep romance is in the air high school students breath. It consumes their time, energy and discussion. We have to find a way to be different.
There has to be a better way for students to get to know the opposite sex than the current system. The way it happens now almost seems like marriage without the sex, well sometimes without the sex. A guy and a girl get to know each other, romance wins out over reality and then they start "going together".
From what I remember and understand "going together" means you're in a exclusive relationship and if you pursue or talk to another person jealousy grows and you could be "cheating" in the relationship. For a student who wants to follow Jesus this can be a struggle.
Here's a couple of reasons the current system is concerning for students, especially students who are pursuing Jesus.
The sacrifice of other friendships.
Many times other friendships are sacrificed because there's so much time and energy put into the boyfriend / girlfriend. I know a guy who dated a girl for 3 years during high school. He still struggles having deep friendships into college. Could it be that he never learned what it means to have a friend and be a friend? It can easily disrupt the community God intended with so much focus on one other person.
Boyfriend / Girlfriend Worship
It can also result in "dating worship" which means the boyfriend / girlfriend becomes God and is expected to meet the emotional and many times physical needs of the other. Not only is this unhealthy relationally but God isn't thrilled about it either. At some point they will do whatever it takes to please the other and find acceptance from them. You know where that ends us.
There are many more to add here but you get the point. Here are a couple of principles that challenge the way most teens are doing dating. If students were to consider these seriously it may cause them to take a deep look at how they play the game.
Number 1
1 Tim 5:1-2
Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.
Pretty simple. If you wouldn't do it with your brother or sister you probably shouldn't do it with your boyfriend / girlfriend. A student asked last night, "how can I kiss my boyfriend if I think of him as my brother"? Great question isn't it?
Of course there is a time in relationships when the person becomes more than a brother or sister, but that person can still be treated with absolute purity if the relationship shifts to engagement and then marriage. Radical thinking I know, but it's something we and high school students should consider.
Here's the 2nd principle.
Phil 2:3-4
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
In my experience most dating relationships are driven by self centeredness. It's all about how it makes me feel and what I can get out of it. The dating game doesn't have immunity. The Bible's teachings on how we treat each other also apply to our boyfriends and girlfriends. In the context and craziness of young romance it's difficult to put the others first in a healthy Godly fashion.
Now, I know there are many dating relationships out there that are healthier than others, but can't we find a new system? Is there a way we can help students relate to one another that is better? This is a big deal because deep romance is in the air high school students breath. It consumes their time, energy and discussion. We have to find a way to be different.
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