The Dating Game

Because yesterday was valentines day we spent the evening with high school students discussing love, sex and dating. I'm not going lie, I really dislike the way the American high school student dates. I've never read "I kissed dating good bye" nor do I have a desire too, but I believe strongly that students need to consider a different way to play the "dating game", and we need to help them.

There has to be a better way for students to get to know the opposite sex than the current system. The way it happens now almost seems like marriage without the sex, well sometimes without the sex. A guy and a girl get to know each other, romance wins out over reality and then they start "going together".

From what I remember and understand "going together" means you're in a exclusive relationship and if you pursue or talk to another person jealousy grows and you could be "cheating" in the relationship. For a student who wants to follow Jesus this can be a struggle.


Here's a couple of reasons the current system is concerning for students, especially students who are pursuing Jesus.

The sacrifice of other friendships.

Many times other friendships are sacrificed because there's so much time and energy put into the boyfriend / girlfriend. I know a guy who dated a girl for 3 years during high school. He still struggles having deep friendships into college. Could it be that he never learned what it means to have a friend and be a friend? It can easily disrupt the community God intended with so much focus on one other person.

Boyfriend / Girlfriend Worship

It can also result in "dating worship" which means the boyfriend / girlfriend becomes God and is expected to meet the emotional and many times physical needs of the other. Not only is this unhealthy relationally but God isn't thrilled about it either. At some point they will do whatever it takes to please the other and find acceptance from them. You know where that ends us.


There are many more to add here but you get the point. Here are a couple of principles that challenge the way most teens are doing dating. If students were to consider these seriously it may cause them to take a deep look at how they play the game.

Number 1

1 Tim 5:1-2
Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

Pretty simple. If you wouldn't do it with your brother or sister you probably shouldn't do it with your boyfriend / girlfriend. A student asked last night, "how can I kiss my boyfriend if I think of him as my brother"? Great question isn't it?

Of course there is a time in relationships when the person becomes more than a brother or sister, but that person can still be treated with absolute purity if the relationship shifts to engagement and then marriage. Radical thinking I know, but it's something we and high school students should consider.

Here's the 2nd principle.

Phil 2:3-4
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

In my experience most dating relationships are driven by self centeredness. It's all about how it makes me feel and what I can get out of it. The dating game doesn't have immunity. The Bible's teachings on how we treat each other also apply to our boyfriends and girlfriends. In the context and craziness of young romance it's difficult to put the others first in a healthy Godly fashion.

Now, I know there are many dating relationships out there that are healthier than others, but can't we find a new system? Is there a way we can help students relate to one another that is better? This is a big deal because deep romance is in the air high school students breath. It consumes their time, energy and discussion. We have to find a way to be different.

Is Evidence That Demands A Verdict really dead?

A couple nights ago I had a conversation with a girl who is interested in going on one of our summer mission trips. She's about 15 years old, smart and really fun to hang around. I don't know her very well but somehow our conversation turned towards her opinion of Jesus.

She willingly and openly admitted she's not sure about this Jesus thing. She's not sure he actually existed or that it even matters. As we continued to talk I was really blown away by her transparency and willingness to discuss these things with the "youth pastor."

After reflecting on our conversation there are a couple of things I'm reminded of...

As youth leaders we must have conversations

Ok, for years authentic relationship has been the mantra for student ministry. Moving away from production to relationship has been the focus for a long time. I was reminded of the power of a conversation. The questions she asked were not addressed by any speaker from our stage and if they had there's a chance she wouldn't have paid attention. We need a lot of leaders to be present for these conversations. Conversations are typically more powerful than any song, video or sermon we can give.

Every student (and person) is created in the image of God

My friend has not yet been changed by the gospel but has a desire to help people who are hurting. Sure, her desire to serve and do good stuff isn't "righteous," but any desire a person has to help those in need probably comes from "Godness" in them. Part of our job is to seek out the "image of God stuff" in students and talk about why they actually care about others. And yes, every student we are serving was made in the image of God.

Students are still skeptical about Christianity

In the early 90's I was all about having answers to all the questions. As we moved to a more postmodern ministry we rightfully focused less on apologetics. Students were and are asking, "does it work?" instead of "is it true?" Even now we are focused on helping students "belong" before they actually "believe." Over the years I have seen more and more students come to faith because they experienced the gospel through community before they actually embraced the truth. This shift was actually positive for the church because it forced us to take a deep look at the authenticity of our lives (that's just my opinion). We couldn't just talk about following Jesus, we actually had to follow Jesus. The question of "is Jesus liar, lunatic or Lord" was replaced with "if Jesus is real does it make a difference in my life and the world around me?" Students answer these questions many times by what they see in the lives of Jesus followers around them.

Here's the point, we must be prepared to listen and answer the tough questions in the context of relationship. We must create an environment where students have the freedom and the space to question Christianity. Let's face it, our faith doesn't really make sense. Paul actually says it's foolishness to those who don't believe. There are and should be hard questions about the crazy stuff we believe.

So here's an idea. What if we provided a safe, interactive, anonymous opportunity for students to share and ask the tough questions? This week I'm on the hunt to find a free chat room program where students can sign in anonymously and ask whatever they want. Every week at the same time someone from our staff team will be moderating the chat room answering questions and entering into the conversations. Sure, sometimes the answer is "I don't know" or "it's a mystery isn't it?" but hopefully these discussions will lead to deeper face to face conversations with students who are struggling.

As you can see this is new to us. I know we're not the first to think of this so if you have any input or advice on how to do this effectively it would be greatly appreciated.

Sprinkle or Dunk? Celebrating students coming to faith.

Last Sunday night was an unbelievable experience for our people at Irving Bible Church. After our afternoon worship gathering around a thousand of us gathered to celebrate the salvation of 25 people. The atmosphere was truly electric as people crowded on stairs, balconies and bleachers to cheer on people proclaiming their faith through baptism. Of these 25 people 17 of them were middle school and high school students.


It was particularly significant to me because it's been 10 years since I baptized anyone. I'm ordained baptist, therefore the first 11 years of ministry I performed believers baptism by immersion. In fact there was a time I baptized a 350 pound man. I almost drowned. After that experience I was wishing we just simply sprinkled or poured, that would have been much safer.


In 2001 I went on staff at a Presbyterian church whose tradition was of course infant baptism.
My point isn't to argue believer's baptism verses infant baptism. But I do want to challenge us as youth leaders to think through celebrating God's grace when students come to faith.


Listen, I understand the Biblical evidence to support infant baptism as a sign of the covenant and fully supported and embraced it as a pastor at my previous church, however I did struggle with how to appropriately celebrate a teen's coming to faith. It is a special time when a child of the covenant (a child baptized as an infant) embraces the gospel of their parents as their own. It should be celebrated with the entire church community.


I realized Sunday night how much I and the body missed out on celebrating God's salvation because there wasn't an effective, appropriate way to celebrate. After one is baptized as an infant there's no second baptism when a person comes to faith. That's fine, my concern is how do we as youth leaders help students embrace and share the transformation in their lives when they come to faith?


So let me pose the question this way, how are you bringing the community together to celebrate middle school and high school students coming to faith? Is that even on your radar or when a student embraces the gospel does it just kind of melt in with the rest of your programming. It gives God glory and us joy when the community of faith celebrates those who move from death to life.


BTW, my daughter (who I baptized Sunday night) understands and embraces the gospel and doesn't really remember a time she didn't know Jesus, she must be a child of the covenant.

Why you must think through student leadership development

You can't really be effective in student ministry (or any ministry) without thinking through and implementing leadership development. Yes, that's a black and white statement but I believe it to be true. By leadership development I mean shepherding people in a process to discover, develop and utilize their God given gifts and talents. This is true of adult leaders and students.


Last night there were 14 high school students hanging out at our house. They're members of our students advisory team. Our "SAT" consists of students who are nominated by the student body and then chosen by the student ministry staff to provide input and direction to our student ministry.


At Irving Bible Church we are in the beginning processes of becoming a ministry that has student leadership development as a major part of it's dna.


What we did last night wasn't rocket science. We ate pizza, drank Dr. Pepper (I hadn't done that in a while), prayed together and discussed how we can better love students. In addition to all that we had a little discussion on why humility is one of the main characteristics of Godly leadership.


So, finish this statement,

"you must think through and apply students leadership development to your ministry because..."


I would love to develop a top 10 list and then discuss some ways to implement. This idea of student leadership seems to be wide open. Of course there's no formula or perfect way to help students serve, but surely there's some wisdom and best practices we can share.

Thanks for any input.

Humility: Final Thoughts

This morning I finished my study / meditation on humility. I wonder if I'm more humble now than I was when I began focusing on humility last month? I'm not sure.


One thing is very true, there is more awareness and repentance; aware of thoughts and words that reflect my prideful heart. Learning to walk in humility is a lifelong journey. As always I'm aware that God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble.


I definitely don't want to be rejected by God and without a doubt I'm a man in need of grace.


BTW, I would recommend the book, "Humility, True Greatness" by C.J. Mahaney. I honestly know nothing about him or his ministry but God has used this book as a spotlight to expose pockets of pride in my life. For that I am grateful.

Catch them doing something good

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"
True or false?


A couple days ago I was challenged in my meditation on humility to give up the comparison game. By the comparison game I mean trying to measure up against others as a source of building up my own ego and pride. It's a work in process.


One way to do this is to look for the grace of God in others. This spurred some thinking on how those of us who work with students should use our words to encourage and build them up.


Many students are used to hearing statements that communicate what's wrong with them. "You're not good enough", or "you'll never amount to anything", "why did you screw up again", are statements they hear often.


What if we as youth workers made it our mission to find the good in them? Students are image bearers. They're created in the image of God. Even if they're not followers of Jesus yet there are still nuances of their life we can discover and brag about.


Here's an example. Scobi is a kid who just recently became a Christian. Of course there was behavior we weren't thrilled about, but Scobi was a servant, even before he knew Jesus. If we or the children's ministry needed anything, Scobi was there to help. Those kinds of things were constantly pointed out to Scobi in a desire to encourage him and show him that he is created in the image of God and is designed to live in relationship with him. Do you have students you can catch doing something good?


As you think about how to encourage and edify students, here are some thoughts...

* Be a truth teller.

As you know students can sniff out insincerity. When you compliment a student make sure it flows out of a heart of authenticity.

* Be specific.

"Hey, I really like you", or "I think you're cool", isn't as powerful as, "do you know what I love about you? You're a really good friend to those around you" Or "the other night when I saw you hang out with that girl who was alone, that was really cool".

* Be intentional.

Many times I'm quick to see the bad. When I focus on the negative I miss the good in someone. By God's grace I hope to grow in this area of catching students doing something good. I have to be purposeful and intentional about this until it becomes second nature.

* Be public.

If it's appropriate, share your compliment when others are around. It models a heart of encouragement.


The words we use can result in life or death. May we use our words to breathe life into the hearts of students who have only heard the language of death. Remember, words mean something and the statement "words will never hurt me" is a lie from you know where.

Humility: Practical Steps Day 4

"We mortify pride and cultivate humility by identifying evidences of grace in those around us"

Mahaney

Are you the kind of person that thinks critically? In other words, do you almost always see the glass half empty? I sure am. It's easy for me to ignore the good and go right for the bad.

As I was reading this morning I was reminded that we should look for God's fingerprints in the lives of people instead of having a critical spirit.


Here are a few thoughts...

* Criticism of others is many times a result of playing the comparison game. Comparing ourselves to others is almost always self centeredness and pride.

* We should try to catch others doing something right. Most people don't see God's hand in their own lives, they see the sin. We have the privilege of pointing them to the grace of God in their own life.

* It's easiest to ignore grace and criticize those closest to us.

In interacting with you, what is your spouse more aware of- (I would add children) evidences of grace you've noticed, or the need for change and growth?

Mahaney


Today I'm going to actively look for God's grace in the lives of others. For those of us in student ministry this is especially crucial. When you hang with students tonight be a truth teller. Notice what God is doing in their life and let them know about it. They won't ever know unless you tell them.

Why Will is my hero

I just got off the phone with one of my church youth leaders. Will is an older guy (like me, he's to my left) who teaches some type of computer class in a junior college. I actually have no comprehension of what he teaches, I'm not that smart.


He's one of my heroes because he loves Jesus and cares well for students.


He teaches 5 classes and is taking, yes, taking 2 classes himself. With all that he still finds the time to spend with some 9th grade guys. He takes them to McDonalds, picks them up for church and then takes them home. He's the kind of leader I would like to be.


More than anything he just wants to be faithful, to get up early to spend time with Jesus and do his best to live an authentic life.


Will, thanks for who you are and what you do.

Humility: Practical Steps Day 3

I have to be really honest, my last post was kind of a challenge to think through how to prepare our hearts and minds for sleep. We spend 1/3 of our life asleep, so it makes sense we should think about it. I've done nothing, zero to put anything into practice. Somehow the last few nights I've found myself barely able to get undressed before falling asleep. This is something I really want to put into practice. If you or anyone you know does this well I would love the input.

This morning was spent thinking through how meditation on the attributes of God and meditating on our sin impacts our walking in humility. I've often thought that my pride was simply forgetting how great God is while forgetting how desperate I am.

I love this quote by John Owen...

"There are two things that are suited to humble the souls of men...A due consideration of God, and then of ourselves. Of God in his greatness, glory, holiness, power, majesty and authority; of ourselves, in our mean, abject and sinful condition"

That just about says it all. Here's some questions...

When was the last time you took time to meditate on God's attributes, to drink in how transcendent and beyond us he truly is?

When was the last time you took a deep look into the sin of your own heart, how deceitful and selfish you are?

Spending time in meditation on those 2 truths helps us on the journey of walking in humility.

May we be people who fight to see God and ourselves clearly.

Humility: Practical Steps Day 2

Many of us think of participating in spiritual disciplines in the morning, that's typically my thought process. The rest of the day is spent fighting to remember and ponder the truths God revealed to us from our focused time of prayer and meditation in the morning.

Honestly, I leak. God may say something to me in the morning but by my 4th cup of coffee it's forgotten. Ok, I'm trying to grow.

Mahaney brings out some interesting perspective on not only meditating on truth throughout the day to battle pride but a thought process before we go to sleep. He reminds us that we spend a third of our life asleep. That's a lot of time. Our need for sleep is in direct contrast to God's self sufficiency. He will "never sleep nor slumber".

Typically I fall asleep to sports center or playing "words with friends", perhaps there are more beneficial things on which to meditate?

Thomas Watson says this...

"When we have done anything praiseworthy, we must hide ourselves under the veil of humility, and transfer the glory of all we have done to God".

I like that, especially in light of a thought process as we fall asleep. You see, I either get stressed for not being good enough or gloat for something good I did. Both thought processes are focused on self and essentially prideful.

So, think about his. What were you thinking about as you fell asleep last night? Were your thoughts in alignment with truth? Is there anything you should read or think about as you fall asleep that might direct your thoughts for the next hours of rest?

Needing anything is humbling, especially needing sleep. It's a gift from God.

He Was Youth Ministry When Youth Ministry Wasn't Cool

Last week I had the privilege of attending meetings for the ministry council of the National Network of Youth Ministries. Recently I was on staff with NNYM so it was kind of like a homecoming for me. It was great to see old friends and make new ones. One of the greatest joys was seeing and spending time with my friend Paul Fleischmann.

Transition in ministry is rarely done well, especially when one begins and leads a ministry as long as Paul has. Paul has been the president of NNYM since it began and is now in the process of transitioning the ministry to new leadership. As I watched him over the last few days I was amazing to see God's grace as Paul ushers in leadership for the future.

Let me say this, reaching teens has always been "cool" but Paul started in a time that was very different. In the early 80's there was less training and opportunity for those seeking careers in student ministry. For years Paul has led the National Network in giving the clarion call for youth ministries to work together to reach students for Christ.

I love to hear Paul talk about the "good 'old days" when a few met in 1979 in Colorado Springs. They met to think, pray and dream. They talked about what God was doing in the hearts of students around the country and how they might work TOGETHER to more effectively serve students and student ministry.

In 1981 a simple document was formed to communicate a commitment to personal, family and ministry values for those who love students. This same covenant has been signed by youth leaders for almost 30 years.

http://www.youthworkers.net/index.cfm/fuseaction/memberjoin.step1

Paul is very unassuming in his leadership and has never sought credit for himself or the National Network. It seems he's always been most comfortable behind the scenes, influencing others to love students the way has has for decades. That's very refreshing in a day when self promotion and hope for stardom is fairly common.

I've been blessed to be under Paul's leadership. There's much to learn from men and women who have served youth ministry well over the last 30 years. Join me in honoring Paul and those like him who have paved the way for many of us who have a clear calling to love student to Jesus.

Humily: Practical Steps Day 1

As I continue to read "Humility, True Greatness" it seems Mahaney is moving to some practical ideas to battle pride and pursue humility. It's always touchy to talk about practicality because it's easy to focus on the doing instead of the being. He does a great job avoiding moralistic rules by continuing to focus on God's grace and motivation even in the midst of some practical application.

One idea that really resonated with me today was the idea of staying focused on the cross. How can I become arrogant when I think about what my sin did to God? The last couple of days I've been preparing to talk to our students about the mystery of the Lord's Supper. The Lord's supper is an important way for us to remember and focus on what Jesus did for us on the cross.

Listen to what John Stott says...

"Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like the cross. All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self righteousness, until we have visited a place called Calvary"

When is the last time you meditated on the cross? When is the last time you participated in the Lords Supper and truly remembered what he did on your behalf?

May we be people who live at the foot of the cross, remembering what Jesus did and why he did it.

So Far So Good

So, yesterday I resolved to more intentionally serve others here at the ministry council in an effort to battle pride. You know, I think Jesus was really on to something with the serving thing.

Today's a new day. Today I'm conscious of the truth of Jesus' atoning death. Without his death I cannot walk in humility. He is not only the example of humility his death and gift of the Holy Spirit are the power to walk in humility.

By the way, as always I'm blown away by the people God has used to love teens. There are people here who have given their lives to reach kids. They've been doing it for much longer than I have and God has used them in incredible ways.

It humbling to be a part.

The Greatest

Pride is “a groundless thing” and “a brainless thing”. “It is the maddest thing that can exist”.

C. H. Spurgeon

It’s kind of ironic that my third post on pride vs. humility is being written on a plane rapidly moving towards San Diego. It’s ironic because there are very few situations that bring out pride more than being around other youth leaders from around the country. It would seem that people who work with student ministries should be very humble. We’re not rock stars or even senior pastors. We’re just youth pastors.

Perhaps others are far more humble than me, but inevitably when I get around others who do what I do (student ministry) there’s always comparison. I long for others to think I’m great.

“Are they better than me?” “Do they have more influence than I?” “I bet I have more experience”. When I was a little younger it was all about “I bet I have more potential”. It’s all really ugly isn’t it?

By the way, sometimes pride comes out in the opposite way. It asks questions like, I’m not as good as they are, am I? Different but still very focused on self.

The disciples really did the same thing. That gives me a little comfort. Questions like, “who is the greatest?” and “Jesus, can we sit at your right hand?” came up. I’m not quite as open with my pride. I tend to keep it a little more silent. James and John struggled with the same thoughts I do. They were interested in power and position. They longed to be famous.

Jesus’ response to James and John about who can sit at his right hand turns what most think of greatness totally upside down.

“whoever would be great among you must be your servant”.

There it is. True greatness is not about being served or famous or powerful, it really is about serving. The way to deal a fatal blow to pride and arrogance in our lives is to intentionally pursue becoming the servant of all. Jesus is not only the greatest example of this humility, he is also the one who gives the power to live it out.

So, the next 2 days in San Diego, instead of comparing I’m going to ask Jesus for the grace to serve, looking for ways to esteem others and more important.

Here's where it gets tricky. Will I become proud of the way I serve? Uhhgggg!

Regrets?

Yes, I'm still on the journey of meditating on humility but something grabbed my attention yesterday I had to think about.

Do you have regrets? Are there things in your life you wish you hadn't done or activities you wish you had accomplished by now? I hate the word potential and the older I get the more the word kind of bugs me.

You see, potential speaks of what might be, not of what is presently happening. It's a great word for a freshman quarterback who is going to be great when he's a junior and has more experience. The older one becomes the greater chance that person won't reach their potential. That causes regrets.

I have all kind of regrets.

I wish I had loved my kids better.
I wish I had been more pure in my thought life.
I wish I had handled money better.
I wish I had been more relational with the people I've worked with.
I wish I had spent more time alone.
I wish I had sought the heart of God more.

Regrets look at the past and cause guilt and shame. If I understand the gospel correctly it teaches that Jesus makes all things new, present tense.

Here's what caught my attention yesterday.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that HE loves me".

Jesus has loved and is loving me perfectly. I don't have time to regret. Jesus is making us new and is using us to love those around us.

May we be people who forget what is behind and press forward. We don't have time to dwell on the past, there's too much at stake in the future.